Tony Carpenito - 21 April 2005

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"LOST AND FOUND ... AGAIN!"

Believe it or not, we did it again! On the morning of Tuesday, August 9, sixteen faithful souls ventured out into the wilderness to seek the meaning of the little white ball and to enjoy Saint Mark’s second golf outing of the year.

Once again, there were as many laughs as there were balls lost (and found) out on the course. Mike and Rich Hume’s group took the prize for best team score and the Anctil – Carpenito collective also came through under par to earn second place team honors. Rich Hume, Justin Downing and Fr. Jim Craig were among the closest-to-the-pin contest winners. Mike Carpenito contributed the "Outstanding Shot of the Day", making a curling 25-foot putt from the rough!

Before the round, the players again received commemorative golf balls stamped with the words "I ONCE WAS LOST BUT NOW AM FOUND". The post-golf festivities included a great meal, a funny golf book drawing and other awards, including the "best-dressed" golfer (great shirt Mike Hume!). Everyone seemed to have a great time and we hope to do this again next year.

Tony Carpenito - 28 August 2005

"LET THERE BE FLIGHT!"

On the morning of Tuesday, April 18, sixteen faithful souls ventured forth into the wilderness to enjoy Saint Mark’s third golf outing in the past twelve months. Once again, the early Spring weather cooperated and a good time was had by one and all before, during and after the actual round of golf … and this time we just might have the photos to prove it!

As for the golf, the top three teams finished within one stroke of each other. Tony Carpenito’s foursome finished with the best team score while Mike and Rich Hume’s group took second place in a tie-break over the team of Don Anctil, Terry Downing, Cory and Jason Dupuis. Carpenito earned one of the closest-to-the-pin awards. The wind was definitely a factor as two of the four contested par-3 greens rejected all 16 attempted tee shots! Woody Martin contributed the "Outstanding Shot of the Day", driving his tee shot all the way to the green at the base of the long downhill par-4 9th hole. Mr. Downing added an outstanding chip-in at the 17th green.

Before the round, the players received commemorative golf balls stamped with the words "LET THERE BE FLIGHT". The post-golf festivities included a great meal, a funny golf book drawing and other awards, including "most lost balls found" (by Tom Thelin), "biggest divot" (courtesy of Terry D.) and the "best-dressed" golfer (looking good as always, Fr. Jim!). And if there was an award for "happiest golfer", it would have gone to Roland L’Homme, a man who was obviously enjoying his day at the course. Based on the players’ overall reaction to the day, no one should be surprised if we go out and do it all again sometime later this year.

Tony Carpenito - 21 April 2006

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"No Frills, Some Thrills, and a Lot of Hills"

After the round, we retired to the clubhouse and shared a last meal together before going our separate ways. The long journey home allowed time for inward reflection on the day’s events, licking wounds, wringing hands and shaking heads. But, to no one’s surprise, we’ll likely do it all over again sometime next Spring.

Tony Carpenito - 6 October 2006

"We Shall Go 'Fore' Into The Wilderness"

On the fourth Tuesday of the fourth month, an assortment of well-intentioned souls set forth into the wilderness to carry on the tradition known as the Saint Mark’s golf outing. In the year of our Lord two thousand seven, this was indeed not the fourth but the fifth outing to occur within the past four and twenty months. Much to the relief of those who would brave the undulating landscape spread out before them, the early morning Spring weather cooperated yet again to allow for a very good day of golf.

The flora was sparse and the fauna included the usual birdies and bogies and the occasional mummified lizard (on the fifth hole … you had to be there). As was expected, the cry of the "fore!" could be heard above the din of the crickets and the frogs. The well-scattered clouds frequently gave way to bursts of brilliant sunshine and gusts of blustery wind.

As for the golf, Mike Hume’s foursome earned the best result of the day while the group including Don Anctil and Tony Carpenito finished one stroke off the pace. Terry Downing, Cory and Jay Dupuis et al followed closely behind while the venerable quartet of Fr. Jim Craig, Roland L’Homme (in spirit), Woody Martin and Tom Thelin, maintained its firm grip on the anchor position. Jay earned one of the closest-to-the-pin awards by stopping his ball less than two feet from the 16th cup! Tony contributed the "Outstanding Shot of the Day", landing his seventy-yard pitch shot out from of the woods to within ten inches of the 12th cup!

Before the round, all received commemorative golf balls stamped with the words "WE SHALL GO ‘FORE’ INTO THE WILDERNESS". Each group was also issued disposable cameras for their use during the day … the resulting photos will determine whether the cameras should have been disposed of sooner rather than later. The post-golf festivities included a great meal, a funny golf book drawing and other awards, including "Most Lost Balls Found" (twelve by Woody Martin) and "Biggest Divot" (courtesy of Fr. Jim). The size of the excavation was never fully described which leads one to believe it might just have been of "biblical proportions"!

Tony Carpenito - 24 April 2007

“Humility and Futility Have Their Own Rewards”

On the ninth morning of the tenth month in the seventh year of the new millenium, our odd-numbered collection of linksters ventured forth into the western wilderness.  Upon arrival at our destination, the rugged hills of Winchendon GC, these nine determined and formidable souls commenced Saint Mark’s sixth golf outing in the past thirty months.

The morning’s overcast sky gave way to brilliant sunshine and the golfers reveled in their good fortune as the twice-rescheduled event did indeed transpire on the best weather day of the week for it was the only non-rain day of the week.  We took full advantage of this near duplication of the fine weather experienced a year ago, enjoying the unseasonably mild temperatures, bright sunshine, and trees displaying near peak autumn color.

In this setting, it was not long before we were cast back to the cold harsh reality by the challenging terrain which caused extended forays into the surrounding woods and painstakingly detailed examinations of leaf-covered fairways in search of stray dimpled spheres.  The dismay of our ever changing and varied misfortunes did not overshadow our otherwise inconsistent and commonplace display of golf prowess.

Supporting our overall level of questionable expertise, we designed a system to recognize and reward honesty, humility and futility as well as the occasional flash of brilliance.  Not only would positive efforts, such as landing par-three tee shots onto a green in close proximity to the hole, be cause for jubilation and the receipt of financial remuneration.  Dubious results, such as landing golf balls in sand traps and launching balls into the consuming vacuum of oblivion, would receive similar commendation.

Before the first divot was excavated, golfers were issued sleeves of commemorative golf balls impressed with the words “WE SHALL GO ‘FORE’ INTO THE WILDERNESS” (actually leftovers from our previous outing).  Fr. Jim Craig, Rollie Gagne, Roland L’Homme and Woody Martin led our journey over the undulating tracts of land while Don Anctil, Tony Carpenito, Terry Downing, Jay and Cory Dupuis attempted to keep pace.  Many boastful tales of success and wistful lamentations of failure were heard throughout the day and later in the clubhouse.  Here is what we can put to paper ...

While the vast majority of our par-three tee shots were rejected by the distant and diminutive greens, three golfers - Cory, Jay, and Tony – successfully earned closest-to-pin honors.  Cory (on a five-way tie-break) and Rollie won the sand trap awards.  Fr. Jim (on tie-break) and Jay earned the lost ball prizes (insert subtle Christmas gift suggestion here)!  Rollie and Cory were triumphant in the short drive contest; Rollie far exceeding all expectations by propelling a ball an extraordinary twelve inches!  Roland was declared the unanimous winner of the Early Bird Special and Woody found the most lost balls (six in total - most of which had stopped rolling)!  Don was honored with the “Why Did The Golf Ball Cross The Road?” award and Rollie earned the Most Humorous Shot, also to be known as the Hitchhiker Award, for placing a shot inside a groundskeeper’s vehicle.

Just six strokes separated the entire group using the Callaway handicap system, as Jay and Terry took the low and high net prizes.  Tony required the least amount of shots (low gross) to span the course; only one stroke less than Don’s total.  While everyone lost at least one ball during the course of the day, Fr. Jim was the only golfer to avoid all of the sand traps!  Finally, as if to pay homage to the upcoming winter season, we spent a lot more time building our twenty-one snowmen (8’s) than we did fashioning our nineteen pars!

After the round, we retired to the clubhouse to share one last meal together before the long journey home.  As noted before, the trash talk was abundant and the excuses were many.  All agreed that the overwhelming promise of future success might be exemplified by the simple phrase: “Wait ‘Til Next Year”!

Tony Carpenito - 10 October 2007

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"The Cup Will Not Be Runneth Over!"

Thank you to everyone who came out for Saint Mark's Spring 2008 Golf Outing.  We broke our record for number of participants, everyone had a great time, and the weather was awesome!

What a day it was!  The first ball was launched around 9AM on a beautiful mid-April morning (mid-60 degrees and mostly sunny) and the last putt was sunk before 3PM in even better conditions (mid-80’s and total sunshine)!  In all, a Saint Mark’s record twenty-seven golfers teed off at the Woods of Westminster, reaching a whole new level of cumulative self-inflicted pain and group suffering.  Thirteen golfers were first-time participants in the outing (obviously no one had warned them) and, for the first time, our numbers included an all-ladies foursome!

As usual, with our four-person scramble format, some groups came in under par (once again proving that it really does take four attempts to produce one decent golf shot).  Mike Hume's group won the low gross award while Jay Dupuis' and Tony Carpenito's foursomes finished just one stroke behind.  The Downing-Anctil collective won the mid-point gross award by finishing just two strokes further back.

The next group in set a new Saint Mark’s golf record of great distinction – Despite the handicap of having only three golfers in their group, Herschel Jones, Roland L’Homme and Tom Thelin accomplished the rare feat of finishing with an 18-hole score below their group’s average age!  By cost-effectively getting the most shots per dollar, Dayna Hume and Lynn Jones’ distaff quartet outdistanced the unofficial startup firm of Craig, Craig, Craig and Martin for the high gross award.

Herschel Jones won a closest-to-the-pin award for his fine shot on the 16^th hole.  All told, there were two long drive and four closest-to-the-pin contests.  The 6^th hole CTP contest produced the unofficial outstanding shot of the outing – a successful birdie putt of over twenty-one feet in length!  While a number of birdies and one eagle were observed on the course, one group claimed to have witnessed a wild turkey.  As the feathered interloper strutted about, Fr. Jim reportedly commented that it must’ve known exactly the safest location on the course - out on the fairway directly in front of them!

Roland L’Homme won the Most Lost Balls Found award (coincidentally he just happened to be golfing in one of our last groups)!  There were also awards issued for Biggest Divot (the question remains whether the divot was twelve inches long or twelve inches deep) and Funniest Shot of the Day (the ball skipped three times across the 7^th pond and landed safely on the other side). Woody Martin also had his ball "walk on water"!

Before the round, the golfers were each given some snack crackers, a small list of funny golf quotes, and a complimentary sleeve of golf balls imprinted with the words “The Cup Will Not Be Runneth Over”!  Each foursome was also given a disposable camera to record the event for posterity (just in case no one believed us)!  In the clubhouse after the round, everyone received a framed updated version of "A Golfer's Psalm" with original background photography.

At the end of the day, the big winner was Saint Mark’s with $395 of golfer donations going towards our deficit reduction drive.

Once again a small, but motley, collection of Saint Mark’s parishioners and friends did descend upon a faraway, unsuspecting, and previously tranquil, woodlands setting to practice the fine art of golf.  And, it remains well understood, that more practice will be required!

The seventh day of the tenth month began like many others … we woke up!  We arrived at the course from various directions and in various numbers, all ahead of schedule, and decidedly pooled our unspeakably humble and tremendous mathematical talents to effortlessly coordinate our vast group into two whole foursomes.  The first group to tee off included Fr. Jim Craig, Terry Downing, Cory and Jason Dupuis.  Pushing them along were Tony Carpenito, Herschel Jones and friends John Horgan and Al Membrino.

And what a beautiful day it was!  We enjoyed our start in cool, crisp, sunny weather, and had no pressure to play well!  This time, most of the prize money awards were for golfing badly!  Not surprisingly, this “golfing badly”, of course, came very easy to us.

Al seemed to thrive in this brave new world of bizarre golf rules, garnering awards for most shots out of sand traps, most penalty strokes earned, and most adventurous 18 holes of golf.  John carved out the biggest divot while Jay retrieved the most stray golf balls (not lost by him and not still rolling).  Fr. Jim experienced the quickest walk to any tee shot as well as the most circuitous putting route on one green.  In all fairness, let it be written here that several greens were severely sloped and many flagsticks were sadistically located!  Tony was designated as having had the most shots out of the woods (on a gentlemen’s verbal tie-break).  Terry had the least eventful round, apparently never officially getting into trouble, and was also nominated as the best-dressed golfer.

Despite our best efforts to the contrary, there were some positive results.  Herschel took the lowest number of shots to get around the course - five less than Jay or Tony – while Cory, Herschel and John earned closest-to-the pin awards.  Our hosts held us in such high regard that they closed the grillroom before we could order lunch, so we relocated to a finer establishment down the road.

Later, with our hunger diminished and our minds cleared, in a final gesture of humanity before our departure, we unanimously agreed to donate our entire winnings to the Beacon of Hope.  It was a great day indeed!

Tony Carpenito - 10 October 2008

The Last Shall Be First Again And Again

On the morning of the sixth day in the tenth month of the ninth year in the present millennium, surely there was reason to be carefree and thankful.  Maybe, somewhere, an unfortunate soul was shedding tears of longing and despair ... for passing on the opportunity to join the celebration unfolding before them ... wishing to now magically reverse an earlier and tragic decision to stay behind and spontaneously reunite with his linkster brethren.  Nay, but where they were, there was not a foul thought of regret among them.  For indeed, it was autumn in New England and they were golfing!  It just couldn’t get any better than it would be on this day …

In this latest of adventures, they were unquestionably prepared to reap the benefits of several ground-breaking, unorthodox, and heretical rules that would sacrilegiously reward otherwise undeserving strokes and wayward shots with tangible cash remuneration.  Heretofore pitiful efforts such as launching struck balls into ponds and rivers, burying said spheroids deep within the sands, or targeting the trunks and boughs of the forest, would now be cause to rejoice on this extraordinary day.  Losing balls during the course of the play would have a positive return in later compensation.  So too would creating a strong breeze with the complete miss of an intended swing.  One skillful effort would be rewarded still … that of the shots closest to the pin.  Nevertheless, many times over, the last would most certainly be first again and again.

Fourteen strong set out to scour the countryside and lay waste to the green fairways en route to the mythical nineteenth hole.  The group split into clusters of three and four to embark on the journey.  Fr. Jim Craig, Cory Dupuis and Woody Martin led the charge into the wilderness and was trailed closely by Don Anctil, Jason Dupuis and Terry Downing.  Herschel Jones and friends John Horgan, Pete Christianson and Tom Gammell pushed forward ahead of Tony Carpenito and friends Henry Doherty, Tom Damon and Paul Nebosky.

None displaced more water than Paul the Aquaman and none sent astray more balls than Tom G. the Outward Bound.  None blasted more bunkers than Fr. Jim, Paul, and Woody the Sandman.  Cory the Lumberjack hit the most trees while Jason the Windmill executed a perfect whiff.  Woody the Marksman twice landed his ball closest to the pin, a feat each singly achieved by Jason, John and Pete.  Woody the Finder-Keeper, he of many talents on this day, gathered the most found balls.  The day’s most remarkable comeback effort was Paul’s par 7th recovered from a 200-yard tee shot cart strike.  And, because one of Tony’s four putts on the 16th came from the tall grass, the mantle of the Green Hornet was left silent and unclaimed.

At the end, some so honored may have felt undeserving of their dubious winnings. In a nearly unanimous display of selflessness, or guilt, nine tenths of the cash awards was returned and combined as a bulk donation to Saint Mark’s.  One who did not partake in this gesture later found his chariot dead in the parking lot.  Was this coincidence or Divine Influence?  That may be a story for another day …

Tony Carpenito – 6 October 2009

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"Seek And You Will Find Me"

A fortunate break in the ever-changing New England weather provided a positive outlook for the morning of our sixth annual spring golf outing. Fourteen woodland explorers, exhibiting various levels of personal sartorial splendor, from coats and heavy sweaters to Bermuda shorts and cutoffs, ventured forth into the valley of the first hole.

Many individuals distinguished themselves with impressive, or otherwise memorable, performances and efforts. One found twenty lost balls that were neither moving nor his own. Awards were earned for four closest-to-the-pin shots as well the longest drive. Although rumors circulated regarding several candidate moments of infamy, no one dared to describe his particular mishap in order to rightly earn the ultimate "funniest shot of the day" award!

The team scramble results were equally impressive. Three groups managed one eagle each. All told, twenty-one birdies were hatched and, unbelievably, not one club was lost during the day’s proceedings!

All were each given sleeves of golf balls and commemorative plaques containing the words "Seek And You Will Find Me". Within each sleeve could be found a page of humorous golf drawings included to distract the golfers during their respective adventures.

In the end, all emerged relatively unscathed from their hours-long journey into the unknown on that cold, but sunny, early spring day! The golfers’ enduring generosity shined through as many donated their winnings to Saint Mark’s.

Tony Carpenito – 16 April 2010

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The Last Shall Be First Once Again

It was a cold and damp early October morn.  We set out in weather more suited to the dreary Scottish landscapes described in tales long since told.  But it was autumn in New England and we were golfing indeed!

Several unusual rules were set in place for our latest adventure.  Wayward ball strikes, that might normally attract severe penalties, would draw tangible rewards.  Pitiful efforts such as steering golf balls into ponds, rivers, bunkers and trees, off the course property, otherwise losing said balls, or completely missing intended swings, as well as putting to excess, would gain positive returns in cash remuneration.  One show of skill would be rewarded nonetheless … landing teed balls closest to the pins.  Many times over, the last would certainly be first once again.

Our seven strong set out to lay waste upon the green fairways as we passed over the countryside.  We split into groups of three and four to embark on our journey.  Herschel Jones, with friends John Horgan and Al Membrino, led the charge into the wilderness followed closely by Mike and Tony Carpenito, Jason Dupuis and friend Matt Peloquin.

On this day, Jason and Mike each landed a ball on the green closest to the flagstick, on the 5th and 18th holes, respectively.  Mike earned the Lumberjack Award on a coin toss tiebreaker over Matt and also took the Green Hornet Award outright.  Matt secured the Outward Bound and Windmill Awards with no tiebreaks necessary.  Jason netted the Aquaman Award on a tiebreak over Herschel while Tony scooped up the Sandman Award on a tiebreak over Al.  Herschel gathered the Finders Keepers Award.  The Big Dig Award stood unclaimed as no divot was excavated in a size worthy of note.  Winners, one and all!

In the end, we so honored may have felt undeserving of our dubious winnings.  In a unanimous display of selflessness, or guilt, all of the cash awards were returned and combined as a bulk donation to Saint Mark’s in celebration of not one umbrella being opened during the day … just another great day for golf!

Tony Carpenito - 5 October 2010