Ball Sleeve Insert Humor
At each April outing, players receive
a sleeve of golf balls impressed with a commemorative expression such as "I Once Was Lost But Now Am Found" and "Let There
Be Flight" and "We Shall Go 'Fore' Into The Wilderness" and "The Cup Shall Not Be Runneth Over" and “Let He Who Is Without
Bogey Among You Throw The First Club” and "Seek And You Will Find Me".
The players also find, within those sleeves,
paper inserts that contain a bit of golf humor.
Here are examples of that humor :
Chi Chi Rodriguez
- "The only useful putting advice I ever got from my caddy was to keep the ball low."
Rosin - "Golf isn't a game, it's a choice that one makes with one's life."
Snead - "If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would've been a great shot."
Stadler - "Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn't float too well."
Trevino - "My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch."
Lee Trevino – "I always know which side a putt will break; it slopes toward the part of the green my overweight
caddie Herman is standing on."
Lee Trevino – "I'm in the woods so much i can tell you which plants are edible."
Waggoner - "Keep your eye on the club. Nothing is more embarrassing than to throw a club and then have to ask a playing partner
where it went."
Bolt - (about golf) "There's no better game in the world when you are in good company, and no worse game when you are in bad
Churchill - "Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed
for the purpose."
S. Grant - (about golf) "That does look like very good exercise. But what is the little white ball for?"
Hedberg - "I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That was way more satisfying."
Louis - (about golf) "I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play."
Nelson - "Par is whatever I say it is. I've got one hole that's a par 23 and yesterday I damn near birdied the sucker."
Norman - "I'm allergic to grass. Hey, it could be worse. I could be allergic to beer."
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. - Henny Youngman
was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big
chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!" - Henny Youngman
My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.
- Bruce Lansky
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? - Al Bolska
We learn so many things from golf - how to suffer, for instance. - Bruce Lansky
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin
I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart. - Buddy Hackett
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. - Gerald Ford
The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray. - Bruce Lansky
If you don't succeed at first, don't despair. Remember, it takes time to learn to play golf; most players spend their
entire lifetime finding out about the game before they give up. - Stephen Baker
In golf I'm “one under” - one under a tree, one under a rock, and one under a bush. - Gerry Cheevers
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller
I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to the driving range to practice slicing
without swearing. - Bruce Lansky
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. - Jack Lemmon
I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.
- Don Adams
I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. - Arnold
The reason they call if 'golf' is that all the other four-letter words were used up. - Leslie Nielsen
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law. - H. G. Wells
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in
civilized society, it is called golf. - Anonymous
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. - Billy Graham
rule: miss a putt, swallow a tee. - David Letterman
The Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since
it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf ever will almost immediately be followed by your worst round ever. The probability of
the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the
more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe
and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up,"
or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally
hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water
(See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way
to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club ...
A cell phone on a bench rings
and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
"Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped b! y the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models.
I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing
... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give
them an offer of $900,00! They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape...
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone
know who this phone belongs to?"
Secrets Of Great Golf
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus.
said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What is your secret?"
which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Top Golf Books
The Old Man and the Tee
Lord of the Pings
The 10 Commandments Of Golf
SHALT NOT covet thy neighbors putter.
SHALT NOT pick up lost balls before they stop rolling.
SHALT NOT wager with those who carry a one-iron.
SHALT NOT play "inside the leather" with a 52" putter.
SHALT NOT build thy house of handicap with sand bags.
SHALT NOT worship St. Mulligan, except on the 1st tee.
SHALT NOT imitate a stunt driver in a golf cart.
yell "Fore!" before the body hits the ground.
THOU SHALL restrict
profanity on the course to 3-putitng or worse.
throw thy clubs in non-lethal directions.
Great Golf Books
1. How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
2. How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee
How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
When to Give the Ranger the Bird(ie)
6. Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
7. Crying and How to Handle it
Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10 AM
9. How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw
Go in the Water
11. Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without
How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
14. When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
understand that they are working on the sequel "When to Re-Grip Your Ball"
Did you ever notice that ...
... It's easier to get up at 6:00 to golf than at 10:00 to mow?
IT TAKES LONGER to learn good golf than it does to perform brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around
on a cart and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
THAT rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
GOLF BALLS ARE LIKE EGGS. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.
One Golf Ball
golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your
shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and
it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends
up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the
sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going
to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness
and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the
friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."
More Golf Quotes
percent of putts that are short, don't go in.” ~ Yogi Berra
are two things that require keeping your head down: golf and praying.” ~ Unknown
YOUR opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
is the only major professional sport …
where the scores are kept by fellow competitors, not officials.
where players penalize themselves.
where aging players have their own “senior” league, in which they
can still compete and make millions.
where more than one ball is being played at the same time.
where each player has a servant to carry their equipment.
that cannot be played indoors (or in a stadium).
where a 14-yr-old girl can play alongside a 54-yr-old man in an official
competition (Michelle Wie, Tom Kite, 2004 Sony Open).
that is sometimes played in the woods.
where a fan can be ejected for taking a photo.
that has been interrupted by an alligator.
that has a pro-am format, allowing fans to play alongside pros.
where a player can play an entire season and make no money at
where the lowest score wins.
whose rule book includes the word “dung”.
where an equal playing field is not guaranteed. One player can play
in sunshine with no wind, another in a howling rainstorm.
that has no regulation-size playing field.
that has a predetermined score (par) against which all players are
where fans are allowed on the playing field.
where a fan watching the play at home can call and get a player
that has been played on the moon.
putting stroke accounts for about 43% of all strokes made.
PGA Study: Touring pros make only 54.8% of their 6-ft putts.
people die playing golf than any other sport. Leading causes: heart attacks and … “strokes”.
an opponent asks how many strokes you’ve taken on a hole, you must tell the truth.
wind or an earthquake knocks your ball off the tee after you’ve addressed it, it counts as a stroke under an “acts
of God” rule.
against the rules to ask for advice from anyone but your caddie or partner. You
also can’t give advice, solicited or not.
A golfer may move another player’s ball, but only under one of two conditions: 1) an opponent’s
ball may be lifted and replaced with a marker if it is physically in the way of one’s shot; 2) an opponent’s ball
may be moved if the golfer feels the other person’s ball is mentally interfering with his play.
can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
"I wish I could play my
normal game .... just once."
Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls.
do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: Your life
is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot.
term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul-it-again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement
between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how
badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice
it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really
I play in the low 80's. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
If your best shots are the practice
swing and the "gimme putt", you might want to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where your most feared opponent
Achieving a certain level of success in golf
is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.
Golf is like marriage:
If you take yourself too seriously it won't work .... and both are expensive.
The best wood in most golfer's bags
is the pencil.
To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
In golf, some people
tend to get confused with all the numbers ... they shoot a "six", yell "fore" and write "five".
Why is it twice as
difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf Is ...
is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns.
Modern players : "They throw their clubs backwards,
and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
"Golf and sex are about the only things you
can enjoy without being good at."
"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us
bag pipes and called it music."
Ten Differences Between
Golf & Other Sports
Unlike baseball, players don't readjust their testicles before each swing.
boxing, players don't chomp on each others ears or punch them in the groin.
Unlike tennis, players don't grunt like
cavemen with each effort.
Unlike basketball, players don't elbow each
other in the ribs for better position.
Unlike auto racing, spectators don't have to breathe noxious fumes or be forced
to listen to "The Achy Breaky Song" on the loud speaker.
Unlike soccer, the fans don't spit on or trample each other
to death if their favorite team loses.
Unlike bowling, no one knows your shoe size.
Unlike polo, players don't
need to be smug yuppie aristocratic inbred dweebs.
Unlike football, players don't tell the ref to do a physically
impossible act to himself.
Unlike wrestling, spectators have all their teeth.
Golf is an expensive way
of playing marbles.
It's Called Golf
primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized
society, it is called golf.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There are three
ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly ... or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who
addresses the ball twice ... once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart
to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are
those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
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Mark's Spring Golf Outing 2009 - Golf Quotes
you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using "an outside agency" and
subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf.
went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy
going back to pick it up.
are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
it as it lies" is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is "Wear it if it clashes".
can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lies.
easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, 19th-century minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved thru
ritual and self-mortification.
Sticker - "I'd Rather Be Driving A Golf Ball."
is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf. The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot.
a man with both feet firmly on the ground and you've found a man about to make a difficult putt.
only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.
enjoys that perfect peace, that peace beyond all understanding, which comes at its maximum only to the man who has given up
blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one.
- A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water.
is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other.
you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.
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Tidbits - Saint Mark’s Spring Golf
the 18th hole, in the second round of the 1961 Los Angeles Open, Arnold
Palmer’s game feel apart. He was asked how he could have shot a 12. “I missed my putt for an 11.”
Palmer made a hole-in-one in four consecutive rounds from October 9-12,
1983, at Balboa Park, San Diego.
Two things in professional golf that even you could probably do without embarrassing yourself :
1. Sink a two-foot putt (with no break) and 2. make the proper club selection.
Tommy Armour, who had just shot – or so everyone thought – a 22 on one hole in the
1923 Shawnee Open, claimed that it was a 23.
Something you’ll rarely, if ever, see : A professional golfer missing a tournament because
of a groin injury.
The only New York City ticker tape parade ever given for a golfer
honored Bobby Jones on his return from England
after winning the 1930 British Open.
Jack Nicklaus played for Upper Arlington High School, whose nickname is the Golden Bears.
out on top : Although he was just 28 years old, Bobby Jones retired after winning the Grand Slam in 1930.
Ballesteros was disqualified from the 1980 US
Open for being late for his starting tee time in the second round.
first lunar athlete, Alan Shepard, Jr., on February 6, 1971,
as Apollo 14 commander, hit a six-iron shot on the moon.
Field Advantage : Amateur Francis Ouimet, 20, stunned the golf world by beating Harry Vardon and Ted Ray in an 18-hole playoff
to win the 1913 US Open at the Brookline
Country Club in Massachusetts. Ouimet grew up across the street from the club.
END (for now) ...